Holiday Hullabaloo

It’s a week til Christmas and the Holiday Hullabaloo is in full swing!  Isn’t hullabaloo such a great word?  Technically it means “a clamorous disturbance.”  So yeah, the holidays are a temperamental blend of being enjoyable yet chaotic.  Add a high-risk pregnancy to the mix, and keeping your sanity can quickly become a real struggle.  Here are some tips on how to gracefully handle survive the season.

Lower Those Expectations

Even in my pre-pregnancy life, I was never one for big, fancy Christmas parties.  The schmoozing, forced mingling, and awkward moments of silence with party goers you don’t know always gave me an uneasy feeling.  I will say this, though, I have perfected the fake laugh for when a saucy uncle or drunk coworker makes a lame or inappropriate joke.

Really? Did you just say that?

Really? Did you just say that?

So when you’re preparing yourself to either host or attend a holiday party, don’t freak yourself out by anticipating the worst.  Remember that if people know you’re pregnant or have health issues, the only thing that’s expected of you is to answer cliche questions (“So are you excited?”), ignore weird comments (“Enjoy this party, ’cause fun is over after the baby comes!”), and dodge the belly-rubbers.  Don’t hold yourself to unrealistic standards and don’t let anyone give you a hard time about it.  They should just be happy you’re wearing pants.

Let It Go (don’t take it personally)

When people make offensive remarks, treat you differently, or otherwise cause you to feel uncomfortable, try not to let it get under your skin.  The sucky part is, most of the time it’s those closest to us that can say the (unintentionally) worst things.  While your partner, in-laws, and best friend may mean well, a simple “You don’t seem like yourself; you were acting weird at the party,” can cut deep.  Your hormones are at an all-time high, so even the most innocent observation made by a loved one can make you feel like you’re a high-risk pregnancy alien.

Buster knows how I feel

Buster knows how I feel

So while dignity and grace may seem like qualities of the past, a little poise can go a long way.  Sure it’s hard to muster a diplomatic smile when your pelvis feels like it’s slowly being crushed into oblivion, but flipping out on your aunt for saying it looks like you’re smuggling a watermelon isn’t exactly keeping in the holiday spirit.  Trust me, as awkward and weird as you feel about all the changes happening to your body and psyche, those around you are grappling with how to connect with this different and new you, too.  Cut everyone the same slack that you would like them to give to you.

Accept Help & Take Shortcuts

Yes, you are superwoman.  No, you don’t need to prove it.  Put down the casserole dish, slowly back away, and nobody gets hurt.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: bravery and pride are not the same thing.  You may be like me and you don’t want to admit to yourself that you are no longer able to do the things you once did.  Or you may be like thousands of other mothers who have fallen victim to the expectation that pregnant women should be able to “do it all” and better look good while doing it, too.

Thank you, Society.

Thanks a lot, Society.

With so much on your plate already, joyfully accept any and all help offered to you during the holiday season.  And don’t feel bad if this year your pumpkin pie is of the Sara Lee variety.  Be vocally appreciative when someone provides assistance and remember that help comes in many forms.  It can be tangible, like a home-cooked meal, or it can be something meaningful like running an errand for you or just giving you a shoulder to cry on when you realize that cute dress doesn’t fit you anymore.

Comfort is Key

Speaking of clothes that don’t fit anymore, for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t squish yourself into an uncomfortable festive frock for appearances’ sake.  I made the mistake of cramming myself into a pair of stockings for a holiday occasion.  Granted, they were really really cute stockings, but after fifteen minutes of yoga-like positions trying to get them on, the end result was that my pudgy preggo legs looked like they were stuffed into very sad sausage casings.  I also forgot that, as a living human, I would eventually need to eat.  I’m truly surprised my stockings didn’t spontaneously burst.

Sweet potato casserole with marshmallow topping!!!

Sweet potato casserole with marshmallow topping!!!

Needless to say, after I peeled off my stockings, I promised my poor body I would never subject it to such cruel abuse and torture ever again.  Now, a sparkly headband is the extent to which I choose to express my holiday cheer.  Dresses or over-sized tops and sweaters paired with stretchy leggings will be your best friend during this season.  You’re already in enough discomfort with your pregnancy and health issues, so don’t make it harder on yourself by sporting high heels and painfully tight attire.

Emotions… OH GAWD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!

If you haven’t already, you will at some point inexplicably cry over something that isn’t actually that sad.  The holidays will put your emotions to the test.  Now I’ve never been particularly maternal or girly, so the sensation I felt when watching a Kohl’s holiday commercial where a young couple secretly decorates an elderly widow’s apartment seemed foreign and strange.  “Are my eyes leaking?  What’s happening?!” I thought to myself.  But I soon found out that this was totally normal and even non-pregnant humans tear up when evil marketing execs concoct intentionally sad commercials designed to render you emotionally vulnerable and more inclined to buy their products.  My emotions were all over the place in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

Yup, pretty much

Yup, pretty much

So try not to be embarrassed if you find yourself getting weepy at the dinner table when relatives are reminiscing about a loved one.  Or you could even get emotional over something really trivial and that’s normal, too.  I had a minor breakdown when I not only couldn’t get my turtleneck on, but then I got stuck and couldn’t get it off either.  My husband’s laughter only made my rage induced blubbering swell even more.  Try not to get hung up on the negative side of the emotional roller coaster.  Remember that the holidays are a time of love, celebration, and really awesome food.  Enjoy the moment (and take plenty of leftovers).

I’ve Got the C-Section Blues

First off, apologies for the gap in posts.  As I’m sure any mom or mom-to-be out there knows, sometimes life happens and things can quickly get overwhelming – especially during the Holiday season!  All that aside, I wanted to write a post today about my impending c-section.  It wasn’t by choice, but that doesn’t make it a pill any easier to swallow.  So here’s the candid, raw look into the sometimes messy world of a caesarean section birth.

You are not alone

Michael Jackson had at least one thing right.  No matter how odd I thought something was in this pregnancy, after a little searching I would always find that I was not the only one having that experience.  Recently, I’ve been struggling with having to get a c-section.  In some weird way I felt like less of a “real woman” because I can’t give birth to my son the way the good Lord intended.

Sometimes you need a good snap

Sometimes you need a good snap

At the admonishment of many of my much saner friends, I very quickly realized that having a c-section in no way changes the status of your womanhood.  Some of the ways in which I’ve heard women describe a c-section: cop-out, quitting, failure, last resort, giving up, losing the race, have to throw in the towel, etc.  All of these words just create a cage in which we women put ourselves.  You and I are not wrong for having these feelings and moments of doubt, but we are not correct in giving them validity.   You are doing and have done everything in your power to make sure that this pregnancy is as healthy as possible.  So don’t beat yourself up in the homestretch.

No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus

This would be the most accurate way to describe what it felt like when I was told that my connective tissue disorder (and frequent hip dislocations) would prohibit me from having a natural birth.  Part of me was like, “Bones?  Who needs those?  I can totally have a baby naturally!  No pain, no gain, right doc?!”  My doctor did not find my jokes (or my overcompensating nervous laughter) very funny.  Whatever, his loss, I’m a freaking genius comedian.  But honestly, behind the awkward sweaty smile was a kid who just found out Santa was really a middle-aged, pillow-wearing, wino just looking to make some fast cash at the mall.

Sometimes you just need a minute

Sometimes you just need a minute

One of this biggest reasons why I was having a freak out session was that I just had this very clinical, impersonal image of what a c-section was in my head.  This is my first pregnancy, and I honestly don’t know if it will be my only pregnancy.  So I want the birthing experience to be meaningful, special, and something I will be able to look back on fondly.  But to me, getting a c-section was reminiscent of the time when the DJ played the wrong entrance song for me and my husband at our wedding.  Sure the rest of the day was amazing and it was an awesome ceremony, but anytime anyone brings up the awkward moment when the song from “Beverly Hills Cop” inexplicably started playing, I can’t help but cringe.

Plans are for the crazy and the naive

Sometimes I happen to fall into both of those categories.  If you know me, you know I love nothing more than planning and projects.  But just like clockwork, I would find with alarming consistency that my well-intentioned plans never seemed to work.  I would drive myself bonkers trying to make my pregnancy look and feel like how I thought it was supposed to be.  Okay, so maybe it takes me a little longer than most to admit defeat when a plan just isn’t working.  But c’mon, when so little is in our control during a high-risk pregnancy, is it really so bad if we lose it from time to time when things don’t go the way we wanted?

So help me, I will make this work!!

So help me, I will make this work!!

 Allowing myself a mini pity party when I found out I couldn’t have the natural birth I wanted was actually one of the best things I could have done.  I let myself be bummed, and then I shifted my attention to regrouping and adjusting my plans.  It still gave me something to focus on.  If I had just smushed down my disappointment and slapped on a shiny, happy veneer, you can bet good money that a small town could easily be destroyed by the ensuing floods when my emotional dam inevitably ruptured.  So don’t ignore feeling let down, but don’t let it consume you either.  No one wants the deaths of imaginary townspeople on their conscience.

C-Section ≠ Meaningless

At the direction of a good friend, I discovered the wonderful world of family-centered, natural caesarean birth!  Though it is still more common in Europe than at home here in the States, it is gaining popularity.  And why shouldn’t it?  Every mother deserves to have the birthing experience she wants.  In the natural c-section, just a few minor changes allow for a more personal mood in an otherwise cold and clinical setting.  They do thinks like placing the IV in the non-dominant arm, putting the ECG dots on the shoulders, ribs, and back to leave the chest area clear, delivering the baby more slowly (mimicking the pressure from the vagina) to squeeze out liquid from the lungs, lowering the screen when the baby is delivered, delayed cord-clamping, and getting the baby onto the mother’s skin as soon as possible.  This is what my husband and I want, but it’s not for everyone.  The point I want to make here, though, is that you don’t have to give up your vision when you must have a c-section.  With the exception of sudden medical emergencies, most doctors will be surprisingly open to your desired birthing experience.

In the end, I may not have entirely shaken off the c-section blues, but I certainly don’t feel as hopeless and helpless as I did in the beginning.  In all honesty, I probably won’t be able to fully let out a sigh of relief until my baby is here, in my arms, safe and sound.  Keeping my focus on the happy end result will definitely keep the blues at bay, though!  So if you are feeling bummy about getting a caesarean, know that you are not alone and that you can still design your birthing experience.  In case you’re interested, here’s an excellent video describing what a natural c-section is 🙂

A Day in the Life

With all the stress of the holidays, I figured we could all use a little laugh.  So here’s how an average day for me goes, as told through amusing GIFs.

Wake up, attempt to get out of bed

HALP!

HALP!

Immediately have to pee

OUTTA MY WAY!

OUTTA MY WAY!

Forage

Scary true

Scary true

Try not to feel nauseous

Delusional? Maybe

Delusional? Maybe

Feel nauseated and get sick anyways

Just being honest

Just being honest

Lie still and try to recover

About sums it up

About sums it up

Have a mini-pity-party

Wahahaha :(

Wahahaha 😦

Snap out of it

C'mon, self!

C’mon, self!

Take a shower, contemplate shaving

Hairy legs are in, right?

Hairy legs are in, right?

Find something stretchy to wear

Elastic waistbands rule

Elastic waistbands rule

Force myself to eat again

Must. Eat. For. Baby.

Must. Eat. For. Baby.

Spend (too much) time Googling pregnancy stuff

I can stop whenever I want!

I can stop whenever I want!

Pretend I’ve been really productive when husband gets home

But we know the truth ;)

But we know the truth 😉

Eat dinner

It happens

It happens

(Over)React when husband judges food choices

Here's what I think of your healthy food

Here’s what I think of your healthy food!

Apologize for mood swings

I had to do it

I had to do it #nerd

And last but not least, try to get comfy and sleep

Unsuccessful

Unsuccessful

4 Things Not to Feel Guilty About

*First off, sorry for the delay in posts.  Between the baby shower and “fun” times of the third trimester, it’s been a little difficult to get around to doing everything that needs to be done.  Anyways, thanks for your patience and here’s something to brighten up your Monday!

As the Holiday season gets into full swing and I enter the homestretch of the third trimester, my anxieties are at an all time high.  If you’re like me, you don’t ever want to disappoint the people in your life.  But sometimes that seems nearly impossible to avoid with the items on your To-Do-List snowballing out of control.  So trying to keep up with everyone and everything that deserves your attention can be tricky to say the least.

It's usually not so adorable

It’s usually not so adorable

Sure it’s difficult to live a guilt-free life – despite the lies Dove Chocolate keeps feeding me – but here are some things that I’ve been able to come to terms with on my pregnancy journey.

1. Being a Bad Friend

With everything on your plate, sometimes it’s hard to make not just time, but meaningful time, for all the important people in your life.  You can feel especially guilty if those people have always been able to make time for you.  I’ve really beaten myself up in the past for all the times I’ve had to say “no” to invites or visits from friends.  I even got nervous that people would start to think my reasons for not going were bogus.  “Oh right, you’re ‘sick’ I’m sure.”  But when you live with an invisible illness, the people in your life will have to understand that you may not always “look sick” or even “act sick.”  Especially now that you’re pregnant, it’s not just your health that you have to think about, you have to think about how things will effect your baby.  Sure, if I wasn’t pregnant and was having a flare-up, I might push myself and go out with friends and just pay for it (physically) later.  But now that I’ve got a little life completely dependent on me and my actions, I think twice about everything I agree to do.

He's just so sassy!

He’s just so sassy!

What it boils down to is this: the people who truly know and care about you will understand that pregnancy and chronic illnesses will sometimes limit what you are able to do.  The people who don’t get it or try to make you feel like you’re being a “bad friend” by putting your and your baby’s health first, are people that clearly do not deserve your time in the first place.

2. Being a Bad Partner

Whether you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, it takes work to keep a relationship balanced and healthy.  Ignore the people that have a picture-perfect relationship.  They’re either lying or (gasp!) actually happy.  Either way, it’s not worth worrying about, because the Lord knows your energy is already on a limited supply as it is!  One of the few people you’re going to actually want to spend your energy on is your partner.  Not only are they there for you through all your health issues, but they are by your side as you both embark on this crazy journey of parenthood.  Sometimes, though, I can get all insecure in my head telling myself that my husband is going to get so fed up with me and my issues, that he’ll just be like, “Deuces!!!”

Come baaack!

Come baaack!

Thankfully my partner not only puts up with the tribulations of this pregnancy, but he also reassures me when I get all insecure.  Hopefully you have someone in your life that can be of some support to you while you are going through this high-risk pregnancy.  And remember, support doesn’t just have to come from a husband or partner, it can be your best friend or mom or sister.  So whoever you have in your life that is there to hold you up when you think you just can’t stand anymore, show your appreciation as often as you can but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t always have the energy to do as much as you want to do. (Sorry for the run-on sentence haha)

3. Being a Bad Mom

Once, a customer asked me how I felt about the fact that I’m about to become a mom.  I said that it was a combination of excitement and nervousness.  When she patted me on the arm, I thought she was about to say something like, “Oh don’t be nervous,” or that “It’s perfectly natural to feel that way,” or something like that.  But what did she say instead?  “You know, good moms never have doubts.  So you might want to rethink things, honey.”  And her equally sensitive friend added, “You’ve made your bed, now you’ve got to lie in it!”

For reals

For reals

So after I picked up my jaw off the floor, I had a minor panic attack.  Was this lady right?  Does being nervous mean that you lack the necessary confidence to be a good mother?  After talking to my mom friends, I found that it’s actually just the opposite!  I’ve chosen to change my definitions.  It’s not “second-guessing” it’s “double-checking.”  Me being nervous just shows that I care so much about doing things right.  And a wise friend once said, “A good mom is simply someone who cares.”  Your age, socioeconomic status, orientation, etc., does not have any bearing on whether or not you are going to be a good mom or not.  Your dedication to giving your child the best life possible is what matters.  So I may not be rich or the picture of perfect health, but I’m not going to let my personal hangups distract me from focusing on my little one.

4. Being a Bad YOU

Last but certainly not least, this is something that effects so many women.  Even in my first trimester, I already felt like my body wasn’t my own.  You know what else does that to you?  Health conditions.  So I was already familiar with feeling like I have no control over my body.  Hip dislocations, inflammation, hair loss, memory loss, and knowing that your own immune system is actively attacking you is not exactly super awesome.  The minute another human being was added to the equation, the lack of ownership over my body seemed to grow exponentially.  Also can we acknowledge that a baby moving in your stomach is kind of creepy sometimes?

I can't be the only one who thought this

I can’t be the only one who thought this

Besides the physical aspect of your pregnancy, there’s a very real emotional side.  People have this insatiable need to put labels on each other.  Granted, some could argue that labels make things easier to understand.  But for many, confining a person to a box restricts their identity.  Needing to define someone as “black” or “gay” or “Muslim” can even carry negative connotations with it.  While a gay man is certainly not ashamed of his orientation, he probably doesn’t appreciate being known by some solely as “the gay one” in his social circle.  Similarly, I am not ashamed to add “mother” to my repertoire, yet I don’t want to be limited by this new chapter.  When I’ve shared this opinion, some people have implied that I should feel guilty if I’m not making motherhood and my baby the center of my world.  But I would feel guilty if I raised my son thinking that a woman can only  be a mother.

girls

Yup

At the end of the day, I can only be me.  And the only people that can make me feel guilty are the people I let  make me feel that way.  So I choose to spend my time letting the loving and supportive people in my life know how much I value and care for them.  I truly feel that is the best any person can do in this life.  Be genuine, be objective, be kind.  If my child learns only those things, then there’s really nothing for me to feel guilty about then, is there?

5 Lies You’re Told

This is going to be a fun one!  Not only are we going to discuss the lies you’re told about being pregnant, but also about the lies dealing with illness.  Even before I was pregnant, there were all these misconceptions out there about how a “sickie” is supposed to feel and act and live.  Now that I’m with child, it seems like I’m fighting two different yet equally prejudicial battles.  So here are some things I’ve been told that have turned out to be completely false.

5. You Can (and should) Have it All

Now I’m just as much a feminist as the next gal.  I even hyphenated my last name when I got married!  If that’s not proof, then I don’t know what is 😉  But seriously, there’s this unreal standard that women are held to in society.  You’re told you should be able to juggle your personal and professional life – all while staying in perfect shape, of course!

Me thinks Photoshop has been used

Me thinks Photoshop has been used…

There is absolutely no shame in picking your own path, even if you feel like you’re admitting defeat.  The moment I realized it was okay for me to take time off work to focus on the health of me and my baby, I felt amazingly relieved.  Don’t fall prey to the lie that you are supposed to be some kind of “Wonder Woman.”  You’re growing a human inside of you!  How much more Wondrous can you get?

Real women. Real bodies.

Real women. Real bodies.

4. It’s Just in Your Head

Pre-pregnancy, when I was searching desperately for a diagnosis, I was told by many doctors and specialists that the joint pain, fatigue, and subsequent anxiety was all in my head.  I had never felt more confused, full of self-doubt, and even angry than when I started to let those doctors get to me.

NO IT'S NOT!

NO IT’S NOT!

Thank God (after quite a few years) I found a doctor that listened to and believed me and was able to give me my diagnosis.  Then, as a high-risk pregnant woman, I’ve also been judged by non-high-risk women telling me that I was just exaggerating my symptoms.  The insulting part was when they would tell me their “real symptoms” as if a) mine weren’t real and b) that their symptoms were worse than mine.  Honey, I would take your puffy ankles over my hip dislocation any day!  So just tune out the negative people in your life and don’t back down with your health professionals if/when they don’t take you seriously.

3. It’s All About the Birth

This was a new one for me.  Out of all the weird comments I was expecting to get, this was kind of a curveball.  While it’s true that “It’ll all be worth it in the end,” some people take it to the nth degree.  Some people made it sound as if the entire process of pregnancy is only about the end result.  So anytime I would be talking about a speedbump we had encountered in the pregnancy, the validity of my concern was immediately thrown out the window, because I should just “focus on the main event.”

The indignation of it all!

The indignation of it all!

But the entire nine months are important in their own right.  For instance, my husband and I have never felt closer than through these months of pregnancy.  I’ve gained a new perspective on motherhood from many late-night phone calls and talks with my mother and mother-in-law.  I’ve made deeper layers of friendship with the women in my life that are moms or moms-to-be.  I’ve even formed bonds with people on internet support groups where we can all rally around each other and our shared health issues. There are so many wonderful experiences I’ve gained through this pregnancy, that I would hate to think what would have happened if I only let myself focus on the end result of birth.  Live in the now and appreciate the process, warts and all!

This applies to so much in life

This applies to so much in life

2. Just Push Through It

Whether you are pregnant, have a chronic illness, or a combination of the two, you have had days where the word “pain” is an understatement.  For the average person, pain is your body’s way of saying something is wrong, but often we are told that as high-risk pregnant women, the pain is just something we will need to learn to live with.  While there are some things that I’ve gotten used to with my Lupus or EDS, I know from experience that not all pain is the same.  Listen to your body.

Some days are a 10

Some days are an 11

There is also this misconception that asking for help = weakness.  Admitting that your body can no longer do the things it used to isn’t being weak, it’s being honest!  To “push through it” and “suck it up” is not only delusional, but potentially harmful to both you and your baby.  So, no, don’t stress out over every little twinge of pain, but also don’t ignore the signals your body sends you.

1. You’ll Get That “Pregnancy Glow”

Maybe this one is just me, but one of the things I always heard about was how women will get this “glow” during pregnancy.  I imagined that when my pregnancy was in full swing, I’d have this cute little bump, radiant skin, and fabulous hair.  Well with a little help from MasterCuts, my hair is pretty fabulous, but besides that I don’t feel like I’m glow-y.

SHE'S SO RADIANT!

SHE’S SO DARN RADIANT!

And I’ve realized that’s okay.  At this point, I’m actually just stoked that my baby is staying healthy and is growing how he’s supposed to be.  Us high-risk ladies find happiness in the little things “normal” moms-to-be take for granted.  While some of my pregnant friends were talking about how their skin cleared up and their hair and nails seemed stronger than ever, I was over here being like “Hey I had a brief moment where my joints didn’t feel like they were on fire!  It’s gonna be a good day!”  It’s also good to remember that most celebs (and even some of our friends) just happen to have the extra time, money, and stylists to make it possible to look like an actual human in the morning.  For me, not so much.

I ain't even playin right now!

I ain’t even playin right now!

So in the end, no two pregnancies are exactly alike and we shouldn’t expect ours to hold up to the magical standards portrayed in movies and on magazine covers.  Your pregnancy is your pregnancy.  What is normal for you won’t necessarily be normal for everyone else.  This is basically how life goes, by the way.  The quicker we can acknowledge and accept that we make our own definition of what’s beautiful, the better.  Now I love the bags under my eyes, sallow skin, and swollen joints.  You know why?  Because it means the little life inside of me is still alive and kicking and my body is so busy keeping him healthy, it doesn’t have time to worry about looking “fresh.”  Flip the script and embrace it!

5 Things Your Partner Puts Up With

Yes, you are growing a little human inside of your body, so you have every right to be grumpy.  Yes, most people are jerks and life can be really hard sometimes.  But you know who is there to listen to you grumble about all your aches and pains and mean friends and rude strangers?  Your partner.  Whether you have a husband, boyfriend, life partner, whatever, let’s take a minute to stop and appreciate all they do.  Because if your partner is anything like my husband, he has put up with A LOT!

1. Trying to Understand What the Flip You’re Talking About

Attempting to read our mood swings is already hard enough for our partners.  Now they have to decode our hormone-induced rants?  Sometimes when we’re venting about girl problems or health issues, we forget that other people have absolutely no clue what we’re saying.

Me: “My RLP is really intense today.  I can’t tell if it’s my Ehlers-Danlos acting up, too.  Maybe I should do some hypermobility stretches to try to relax my pelvic floor.  Ugh, this Lupus fog isn’t helping either!”

Justin’s response:

confused-mark

Wheels are turning…

Poor Justin.  I could tell from the look on his face that he wanted to help but had no clue how to do so.  So remember, your partner is listening, but keeping your communication clear is helpful to everyone.  If you want a massage, just ask for a massage.  Your partner will appreciate your directness, trust me.  But in turn, verbally show your appreciation for their effort.

2. Being Grossed Out On the Regular

Morning sickness, hemorrhoids, hairy legs, and sitting in on awkward OBGYN visits are all par for the course for your partner now.  My poor guy has had to see some really weird stuff but he has never once made me feel like the repulsive monster I am.  He has seen me at my lowest:

This is an understatement

This is an understatement

And as much as he’s been tempted to, he has never had this reaction to my grossness:

He's thinking it, though

He’s thinking it, though

God bless him, he has seen things no man should ever have to see.  Yet through it all he has always managed to offer a kind smile, stroke my greasy hair, and even give me a hug (while holding his breath, of course).

So sweet

Now that’s true love!

3. Feeling Helpless

This was one thing I never even thought about until my husband expressed it.  As frustrating as it is to be a high-risk pregnant woman dealing with all your struggles, imagine what it’s like to be on the outside.  Your partner has to watch the person they love most in life go through unimaginably painful ordeals, and there’s not a darn thing they can do about it.  My heart broke a little the day he told me how helpless he felt and that he would give anything to be able to take away my hurt.

Gets me every time

Gets me every time

Whether your partner has said it out loud or not, I guarantee you they have felt helpless and vulnerable at some point during your pregnancy.  Stop and realize how amazing it is to have someone love you that much and be thankful that same person is going to be the one who is by your side to help you nurture this new life.

4. Suppressing EVERYTHING

Let’s have a moment of honesty here, ladies.  We complain.  About everything.  A lot.  Hey, we deserve to, don’t get me wrong.  But your partner is often left mute in the wake of your rage.  My husband works two jobs, both of which are physical and he rarely gets a day off.  But will you hear him complain about how his legs hurt or how frustrated he is?  NOPE.

Quiet rage

Quiet rage

Although I would like to think I wouldn’t go all Oxygen “Snapped” on him if he were to complain to me, I can understand why he stays silent.  And whenever I ask him if he’s hurting, he usually just says, “I’m fine,” or shrugs it off.

Poor guy

Poor guy

We should remember to hug our partners because they’re hurting sometimes, too.  Sure, they don’t have to worry about pushing a baby out of their delicate downstairs business, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t frustrated or in pain as well.  So pick up a card, or hug him, or do a little something to let him know that his emotions are valid and you are there for him, too.

5. OMG YOU’RE HAVING A FREAKING BABY!!!

Though you would think this goes without saying, sometimes it actually takes a while for this realization to dawn on your partner.  Every person (even you) has that “HOLY GUACAMOLE!” moment where it hits you that everything is about to change.

Totally understandable

Totally understandable

Even if your pregnancy was planned, it is completely normal to have a freak out moment.  Where you get off easy, though, is society thinks it’s more acceptable for women to be emotional.  If your partner is a man, he has it a little tougher.  Whether it’s from peer pressure or decades of society making him feel this way, your guy is having trouble reconciling his realization with the emotions he’s feeling on the inside.

Yes.  Yes you can

Yes. Yes you can

Let him know that it’s okay for him to feel nervous.  The worst thing you can do is buy a one-way ticket to “Denial Land.”  If you try masking your concerns and he’s busy stifling his emotions, you’re just asking for things to blow up in your face.

You asked for it

You asked for it

Even if your partner isn’t big on talking and feelings, make the effort to have a little sit-down and lay your worries out on the table.  Chances are you even have similar fears.  The sooner you both acknowledge that this is indeed a big deal and it probably won’t be easy, the sooner you can start moving ahead together.  Don’t fall prey to the trap of each person having to bear his/her own burdens.  And when in doubt, breathe into a paper bag for a minute and look at this adorable bunny eating a flower:

SO CUTE

SO CUTE

In conclusion, remember that your partner has feelings, too, and that this is scary for both of you.  Verbally and physically demonstrate your appreciation for all the things they have to put up with during this trying pregnancy.  Kindness matters.  And hey!  Who knows?  Maybe that sweet note you left him will get you a back massage tonight!  But seriously folks, be nice to your partner.  They’ve had to hold your hair while you’ve puked.

How to Be Freaking Classy!

With all the raging hormones flowing through your body, your patience may be wearing thinner and thinner as the days go on.  As for me, I started out trying to be really polite and friendly all the time.  You know, never wanting to be a bother, or some nonsense like that.  But as time went by, I had less and less tolerance for the weird and awkward things people would say to me – or worse – behind my back.  Don’t you just loooove frenemies?  So I decided I wasn’t going to kill them with kindness, I was going to kill them by being fabulously classy!

“Are you sure you should go through with this pregnancy?”

First off, rude!  Let me point out, this was an actual question I was asked within the first few days I made my pregnancy public.  Sure, most anyone who knew me was aware of my health issues, and I can see how that may raise questions about my pregnancy.  But for the love of God, don’t ask a woman – especially not a high-risk one – if they are going to keep the baby!!!

What I Wanted to Do:

Slap-Happy-futurama

Don’t act like this wouldn’t feel great

Boy did I want to do this, but I didn’t.  Instead I chose to be freaking classy!  I’m talking Don Draper level classy!

Don't smoke, kids!

Don’t smoke, kids!

 

The Classy Thing to Do Instead:

So when someone asks you if you’re going to keep your child, say, “It means a lot to me that you’re so concerned, but choices regarding my baby’s life is a private and delicate matter and I would appreciate it if you treated it as such.”

There’s one thing that is crucial to this working.  As soon as you say your devastatingly classy line, RUN AWAY!  Don’t give them time to utter an ignorant response.

RUUUN

RUUUN

 

“You think that’s bad?  Let me tell you MY way worse story…”

There’s always gotta be a one-upper.  Whether this is a friend, coworker, frenemy, or an eavesdropping stranger, the dreaded one-upper will find a way to take any story, any experience and attempt to make you feel insignificant.  Which is exactly how you want to feel when your emotions are all over the place and you’re worried about the health of you and your baby, right?

What I Wanted to Do:

We all know this person

We all know this person

Aside from cutting the drama queen off, you have only two choices.  One, you let the person finish and say something snarky like, “Okay, do you feel cool now?”  But that’s probably best left as a scenario you play out in your head to amuse yourself.  Second choice, the classy one.

The Classy Thing to Do Instead:

Let the one-upper finish, and respond with, “I’m sorry for your experience, but I’m going through a very trying time right now and would appreciate the same sensitivity and empathy you expect from people when you tell your stories.”  And then, as always, make a quick exit.

So true, Mary, so true

So true, Mary, so true

 

“Maybe you’re doing something wrong.”

“And maybe you’re a giant doodie head!”  But seriously, it’s like your pain and struggles can’t just be the results of an illness, you must be somehow responsible for jeopardizing your baby’s health.  For every one-upper out there with an awful story, there is a Disney princess who just can’t understand why you’re having a hard pregnancy because hers was just so darned magical.

cinderella-spin2

What I Wanted to Do:

When hearing about their blissful, worry-free experiences while I was in the midst of my own personal hell, I just wanted to shout, “GOOD FOR YOU!” and stomp out all sassy-like.

*stomp stomp stomp*

*stomp stomp stomp*

 

The Classy Thing to Do Instead:

Be honest.  You may not want to be so candid, but it’s your best bet.  Whenever the princess starts going on about how when her water broke, rainbows and fairy dust spilled out instead, just smile and say, “I’m so happy that you had an unusually easy pregnancy, but it’s really hard for me to hear about it when my pregnancy is so uncertain and filled with problems.”  Sometimes laying it all out on the table like that will shut up any rude people.  And then peace out as usual.

Deuces, I'm out

Deuces, I’m out

 

“If you think the pregnancy is hard, wait ’til the baby comes!”

Gee, thanks.  As if I wasn’t already nervous enough, now I have to worry about how I’ll be able to take care of my baby.  I started thinking, “What if my illnesses are too much to handle?  Oh God, what about the actual delivery?  What if something goes wrong?  What if the baby is sick?” 

What I Wanted to Do:

Solid comeback

Solid comeback

How exactly did that person want me to respond anyways?  “What?  You mean I have to feed and change him everyday?!  Whoa whoa whoa, this changes things!”

The Classy Thing to Do Instead:

“Wow!  You really know a lot about post-pregnancy life and babies.  So you won’t mind helping me out if I need it then?”  BOOM!  Either they’ll laugh it off and run away or they’ll awkwardly agree to helping you.  It’s a win-win!

kthxbai

Love ya, mean it!

 

“You Need to Gain More Weight!  You’re So Small!”

I know most women get flack for the opposite, getting judged for putting on too much weight.  But because of my Lupus flaring up and making it difficult for my body to process fats, oils, and fiber, my morning sickness mutated into a debilitating battle with food.  Before I was pregnant, I weighed 106 lbs (which is healthy for my 5’2 frame).  At the lowest point in my pregnancy I only weighed 90 lbs.  For someone of my petite stature, the weight loss took a more drastic toll on my body and it made me extremely concerned for my baby.  So when this woman thought she was being funny, cute or paying me a compliment, she was actually reinforcing my fear that my inability to maintain or gain weight was going to be bad for the baby.

What I Wanted to Do:

Fear>Sadness>Anger. Repeat.

Fear>Sadness>Anger. Repeat.

Sometimes you just need to have a big ol’ ugly cry fest full of pillow punching and dying whale sounds.  But sometimes you have to just rise above it and channel your inner diva.

Ya betta werk!

Ya betta werk!

 

The Classy Thing to Do Instead:

Most of the time, the people that make comments about your appearance are not going to be friends or family.  So if it’s a stranger or acquaintance, you have a little more leeway with your sass level here.  How I chose to respond was, “Thank you!  Baby is doing fine for now, but I guess I better start eating more Krispy Kremes, huh?  And can you believe I don’t even have stretch marks?”  Just try not to waste your time on people who fixate on the superficial things.  You’ve got more important things to think about, and their snark comments aren’t one of them!  Focus on you, booboo!

people-worst-nick

Nick is so wise

So those were the top five rude/awkward/weird things I have actually had people say to me during my pregnancy.  I try to remember that most of the time these people are just incredibly oblivious to the fact that what they are saying is awful.  I also try to remind myself that these people think that what they are saying is well-intentioned.  Either way, you’re the one who is in charge of how you let people make you feel.  And, honey, you are you too freaking classy to let these haters bring you down!!!